Thursday, September 29, 2005
Who Am I?
I feel so empty and my heart is heavy burdened, breaking with pain. Who is the person I look at each morning in the mirror? My friends and family see me as outgoing, fun a social butterfly. Deep down I'm nobody.
I often wonder why I exist, why not end it now. Stop all the charades and pretending...I'm tired of trying to fit in somewhere I don't belong. Then again, where do I belong? I need to realize that I cannot impress people. I'll never be that someone...I'm nobody.
What do I have to offer? I have no knowledge of math, science or language. I don't have the degrees that will make me a success. Who am I? Nobody.
I'm not the trophy wife, super mom or award-winning actress...my husband loves me but I will never understand why.
I have not been the example or role model mother for my two girls. I have let them down miserably. I thought I was doing them right by being involved with their activities. But, was I? Do they appreciate me being there or do they put up with me-just because. Do they accept me as..."mom" or am I "MOM"!
I can't go on living this way. My heart is crying, sobbing but no one hears. I try to hide the tears with a smile...a task that grows harder and harder to do each day.
Today is no different than yesterday. Only a reminder that here I am...still pretending...still a nobody.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Some Weekend Humor
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - the epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax...
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
IT was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...........must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair....the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake.......remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Who-ha? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to crap. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glue together to the bottom of the tub!" There is slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking! Cheeks, hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now.....I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Flashing Lights...Mangled Metal-Broken Glass...Eerie Silence...Sudden Fear...Oh Dear God
I was on my daily route (heading south) to work this morning - fussing about the traffic, mind wondering-what will the day be like in the office, I hate my job...what's going on! Why is the traffic stopping now! Are those headlights or flashing lights - oh dear Lord...
As the traffic slowly approached what looked like the Northern Lights...the north bound 3 lane highway traffic had come to a halt and then I saw it - the car all twisted and mangled, windows smashed, lying in the middle of the road on its top unrecognizable.
The police, fire department, ambulance, TDOT were frantically working. Just then the traffic report blared out - there is a one-car accident on 27 North with one fatality. All exits are closed and traffic has been rerouted.
As I slowly passed by this devastating moment, even though the lights were flashing, crewmembers working in frenzy, everything seemed to be moving in slow motion with an eerie silence. The kind that makes you think oh dear God.....long pause.....
The traffic slowly starting picking up and NOW everyone has decided to follow the speed limit, using turn signals, etc. It occurred to me-that was a dark car, was it a 4-door and was it medium sized? Oh, GOD please, please don't let that be Heather! I can't call her (phone turned off) and she won't be at work for another hour. Oh GOD! Calm down Marti...breath....
I get to work and watch the clock-for what seemed like an eternity! 8:00 I'll call her. Good Morning, Sphere Co. Angie speaking. Is Heather there? I'm sorry she hasn't made in to work. There has been an accident and she may be caught in traffic. This is her mother, I know there has been a wreck and Heather takes that route and I was just calling to see if she was ok. Don't worry, I'm sure she's fine - just stuck in traffic. Now I'm thinking to myself-how the heck do you know this, Angie. Are you psychic? Please have her call me as soon as she gets in. I'm at work. I will just as soon as she gets here. Thank you.
8:15 no call
8:25 no call
8:30 no call
8:35 - ring-recognizing the number. Heather I was so worried about you. Mom, I'm ok. Well I know how you drive, it was dark, I couldn't recognize the car, and I couldn't call you. Mom, it's ok. The roads were closed and I had to take the long way around to work. Well I'm glad you're ok. I love you Heather. I love you Mom. I just worry about you. Mom, I'm ok really. I love you Heather, have a good day. I love you Mom, and you have a good day to. Bye.
I took a deep breath, exhaled, and thanked God it wasn't Heather. All of a sudden, I was deeply moved...someone is going to get a phone call today that will change his or her life forever.
Dear God, I ask that you give that someone the strength and comfort during this time of loss and tragedy.
Be sure to tell your kids, husband, wife or SO that you love them before leaving for the day and to always leave on a good note - we really don't know what could happen in the next minute.
One person is dead this morning, after a one-car crash. It happened on Highway 27 just before 7 o'clock this morning. We don't have many details but apparently the car was heading south, when it lost control and flipped into the north-bound lanes around the Morrison Springs exit ejecting the driver. That driver was pronounced dead at the scene. Both directions of Highway 27 were closed.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Lauren and a Boy Named Carlos
Heather - as we all know has continuous drama in her life and feels the need to include us in this drama on a daily basis. She has been friends with Lauren ever since elementary school. The two of them are like the bopsy twins. Both are drama magnets and deserve each other.
Lauren who is loud, obnoxious, demanding and has no social skills at all, decided to break up with her boyfriend for a new man. She decided that it would be a nice to date someone from - only God knows where....let's just say Honduras and his name is Carlos. Well Carlos can't speak a word of English and Lauren can't speak a word of Spanish. The two of them came up with their own form of communication...SIGN LANGUAGE! From the stories, Holly and Heather have told me, this is a sight to behold. Lauren tells him I love you by snapping her fingers at him then points to a bracelet that reads "I love you". She will ask him if he wants somnething to drink by holding an imaginary cup to her mouth and acting like she is drinking something. I think he does some kind of action back to her...I didn't catch all the details. They call each other "Poppy and Mommy" from a song.
Heather took 2 years of Spanish and has become their translator. I think she taught them a few words. Heather told me that Lauren calls their form of communication "Spanglish".
Lauren is in school and still lives at home with mom and dad. She hides Carlos in her bedroom without them knowing...he hides between the bed and wall until mom and dads leaves for work!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Must Love Dogs, Internet Dating-Tyring to Finding That Someone
Over the Labor Day weekend we saw "Must Love Dogs" with Diane Lane and John Cusack. It was pretty good but, I was affected by this movie in a way that I hope I don't find myself "alone" or "looking" to start a relationship again. The characters main tool for meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right was the internet. How sad. I asked Bret before the internet, how did people meet? We (Bret and me) didn't meet via internet. Are we so busy or technically advanced that we can't meet someone other than on a computer? What happened to how it used to be? Oh, yeah - WE have changed society is such a way that 10 years ago seem more like 100 years ago. People don't take time for themselves or each other, deadlines to meet, 80(+) hr work week busy, busy, busy...text messages, email, cell phones attached permanently to the ear...
My heart goes out to those of you who are trying to meet the one. We have a very close friend who is divorced and is wanting to meet that right person. He is having a difficult time. First of all where do you meet? In a bar, Singles or Divorced Group? WHERE? He vowed to NEVER use the internet. Unfortunately, he had to break that vow and is now titled "Meet Mr. Right..." or "Are You Looking to Find....".
I would like to wish everyone who is looking for their somebody or soul mate a quick discovery, love, and happiness.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
God Love Holly....She Should Have Been A Blonde....No Offense
After picking Holly up from band practice, she began telling me about the events that happened at school. "Mom, today Mr. Chambers (band director) asked who knew the musical term for Do." (pronounced doe) The room was dead silent when Holly chirped out - "a female deer" (Sound of Music - Do - a deer a female deer, Re - a drop of golden sun, Mi - a name I call myself....) the entire band cracked up and starting laughing hysterically. Mr. Chambers completely lost it. She said Mom, I was totally serious! At this point, I was laughing so hard at her but managed to ask what did you do while the band laughed? "Mom, I looked around like - what?" "That's the answer right?" By now, Mr. Chambers had to step down from the podium, turn his back and try to regain composure. He said, "Holly you just made my day"...I say God love her little non musically termed heart!
Front: Derek, Sarah, Holly (Brunette)
Back: Joseph, Eric
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Where To Begin....
About 9 weeks ago, Elaine our Research Assistant, son Cory (25), had to go to the ER. The ER docs thought he had gallstones...while in the ER he threw a blood clot and almost died. The docs didn't know what was going on with him. After being admitted to the hospital, the docs discovered that Cory did not have gallstones - but blood clots instead. A huge blood clot was forming and the doctors were afraid that it would move - so they had to put in a Greenfield Filter - this filters the blood and prevents blood clots from traveling to the heart or lungs. After receiving treatment to dissolve the blood clots and put on a blood thinner, Cory was scheduled to have the filter removed this week. Tissue has grown to the filter and the risk is too great to remove it. Also, if the filter stays in there are risks of long term damage. For now, the docs have no choice but to leave the filter in. Currently Cory is being treated for Lupus Disease but the docs aren't sure if he really has Lupus. Elaine has been on an emotional roller coaster ride. Elaine...we love you and are praying for you...we will get through this one.
Wednesday night my boss called and told me that our receptionist's father passed away. Nine weeks ago he was diagnosed with colon cancer that had metastasized to the liver. He received one chemo treatment and responded very poorly. The next day the family was told to call in hospice. His death was so sudden and fast - it has affected us in such a way that we are at a loss for words. Renee you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Today after lunch Shanna our X-ray Tech, received a call. Her husband's grandfather just passed away. She was so sadden by his death. In a way, he was her grandfather to. Today is his 84th birthday. The comment was made, "he came in this world on Sept 1 and went out on Sept 1".
After Shanna told us that her husband's "Pop" died Deb my boss, said, "it comes in 3's...who's next?" She raised her hand. I immediately said no! Don't say that! My heart crumbled...
Deb has been diagnosed with a rare case of ovarian cancer and has been on chemotherapy for 2 1/2 years. The cancer has never gone into remission. The cancer was surgically removed but last week; she received horrible news...the cancer is back - new growth. Her OB doc told her that he was not going to change her treatment. He could do a biopsy but it will only tell them what they already know....she has a progressing disease - cancer.
Deb was scheduled for a MUGA scan Wednesday - this test tells if or how the heart has been affected by chemo - well we (Janet and I) read the report. We forgot what the numbers and percentages were that meant everything looked good or bad and according to the report - there was a significant change. Of course, the two of us thought the worse! I went to the bathroom and broke down. I cried for my dear friend. I cried for her fear of not knowing and what am I going to do. Thankfully, the report was good and we had completely missed the boat with the numbers...THANK YOU GOD!
Deb has swelling in her chest/breast area going on 3 weeks and had to go for an MRI this morning. Once again, we read the report - this time something is wrong. She had to call her OB doc as well as the Oncology (cancer) doc. She is waiting for them to return her call. In the meantime...here we sit in the office trying to guess what this or that could mean and will the docs do this or that. Both docs called back and she is scheduled for a biopsy Tuesday, Sept. 6. The oncology doc nurse told her that it "might not" be a tumor - tumors don't grow "that fast". The nurse said she felt sure that is wasn't inflammatory breast cancer (IBC). According to Deb and the internet, she has all the symptoms for IBC.
As we were walking out to our cars yesterday, Deb said what am I going to tell my kids...I said you're going have to tell them the truth-Girls I have a biopsy scheduled for Tuesday and it could be a tumor....there was a silent pause. We gave each other a hug, said, "I love you", and went our separate ways. I got in my car and started crying again. I called Lu and told her everything and that I'm not ready to see my friend in a casket. I cried the whole way home. Deb I can't live in this office without you.
We, I say "we" because all the girls here in the office have become so close....like sisters, are scared to death. Deb has been so strong and such an inspiration to so many people but now, we want to take care of her and be strong for her. Deb please let us do that you...My dearest friend.
Deb and her family