Saturday, July 30, 2005
Be Careful What You Say
i mentioned in the post below about having a bad week etc...last night as i laid in bed, i realized how different the house felt-no laughter, music, sound or warmth...nothing. complete silence-even with the family here. then i realized i didnt hear the birds sing, feel the sunshine or breeze blow or see the world in color. everything was in gray and the sound is on mute.
i couldnt sleep and didnt want to watch tv. i laid in bed wanting so much to see the stars and moon. i saw was nothing. i couldnt feel the pillow under my head or the blankets covering me. i felt cold and alone. all i could feel was the heaviness of my broken heart. all i could hear were shallow breaths - it hurt too much to breath. all i could hear were the hurtful and painful words spoken. all i could feel were the tears running down my face...all i could remember is "its your fault." maybe i should have chosen my words more carefully.
words are so dangerous and powerful. they cut and penetrate much more deeper than a sword or spear. when a sharp object enters the body, some of the tissues are cauterized-seared during entry therefore, the pain doesnt spread quite as far into the wound. not words...words cut and penetrate the soul. you dont receive a battle scar for bragging, all you get is the numbness and reminder of how deeply they hurt and linger inside.
i tried to tell to bret how he hurt my feelings but he didnt hear me. instead he told me how it was my fault and i did it to myself - at least thats what i heard.
the girls kept asking me what was wrong and i said nothing but they knew i was lying. at the time, i couldnt find the right words to say all i could do was be quiet and exist for the moment. i couldnt laugh or even pretend that everything was ok.
this morning i told holly what was wrong. i didnt try to sugar coat it. i told her the truth. i told her how the day may go but dont worry, everything will be ok eventually.
Friday, July 29, 2005
It's Friday and I'm Exhausted
this has been without a doubt the most traumatic, emotional roller costar, drama filled week i've ever experienced. i was sure that i would be out of a job...still here. with the help of deb, we managed to straighten out one mother of a screw up, come out smelling like a rose and keep my job and, i received the most heart breaking insult from hubby, hurt hollywood's feeling (unintentionally) in one day-yesterday.
Damn...i wished i felt this bad from being on 3 day drunk....i have nowhere else to go but up (knock on wood)
hope everyone has a great weekend...
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
High School Band and Immature Adults
miss hollywood started band camp this week - the hottest week of the year...they practice from 8:00am-9:00pm - with scheduled breaks. but the kids spend the majority of the time outside marching. she called me monday afternoon to inform me that she threw up three times, rinsed her mouth out and got right back in there marching. she has blisters on her feet and ingrown toenails that are giving her a fit....ah the joy of childhood....
this is the beginning of my 6th year with this high school's band program. heather was in the band for four years and holly is starting her second year-only 2 more to go!
i have served on the booster board for 4 years (took a year off) and have been reelected as second vice president. a mom whom i've known for 3 years - we became friends instantly, now thinks she is miss thang and all that - is serving on the board as first vice president - OMG i have made an amazing discovery!!! she needs to grow up.
july 4 the band had a booth - along with several other groups, set up at the park. i was late getting there to help with the set up. to this day, she refuses to speak to me....i asked her how long was she going to pout over the july 4 thing....her reply, "until we have another event and you redeem yourself." my thought...eat shit and die lady...you're pathetic and need to grow up.
this was last month and the band season is just getting started.
Monday, July 25, 2005
It's Just A Thought
i thinks it's safe to say that we all assume the person commenting on our blog has become our best friend. i don't know what half the people who comment on my blog look like and for those who have pictures, i feel like i could pick you out in a crowd.
why is that we have taken on the internet blogging world as our family. we reveal our fantasies, disappoints, deep dark secrets, news from the doctors appointment, total weight gain or loss. we can pour our hearts out for all to read and yet we can't talk to our spouse, kids, siblings or parents.
the computer screen has become a security blanket for so many...after all what are the chances of us meeting or coming face to face with one another in this lifetime.
Heather and Holly
i would like to take a moment to let heather and holly know just how proud i am and to thank them for being the two best daughters a mom could ever hope for. just watching the two of you together this weekend brought back so many memories....its the little things that you say and do that i thank God for picking you as my daughters.
you are maturing into two wonderful young adults - thank you for letting me still be apart of your growing up and life.
oh how i wish i could have kept you little forever. "girls please don't grow up, we won't mommy."
with all my love,
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Hello My Name is Marti...I'm a Blogaholic
it may not show on my blog but, i have truly become a blog addict. my house is a wreck, haven't seen the dogs in weeks...i know he's in the house somewhere, i can hear him barking...i've lost the phone, tv remote control and forgotten what my husband and kid look like....job? what job? oh yeah i do go to work...
i blog surf too much but love reading other people's stories, adventures, sad and exciting news. someone should seriously start a blogger's anonymous!
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Gasp.....Gasp....Oxygen I Need Oxygen
i did it...i made it through my first workout. it was painful but i'm hoping to stick with it. THANKS for all the words of encouragement! i really do need it. i will listen to them and do my best to trudge on.
going back tomorrow...sore muscles and all! i actually wore shorts in front of people (first time in a long time) and felt naked. EEEKKK - the blog of human lard is coming my way! make it stop mommy, make it go away....sorry got a little carried away.
paula my "trainer and project manager" is great. i'm really glad she was the one who answered the phone and scheduled my appointment. i think i'll keep her - energetic, spunkiness and all!
to all my sister-friends - YAY-YAY! you're the best!
I Weigh How Much?.....Oh My GOD!
i was slapped hard in the face yesterday...i mean the kind that stings and tears well up in the eyes. i know my eating habits are out of control....i kept saying in the back of my mind, "i can always stop." guess what, i was wrong. i blame part of my depression on my weight and blame part of my weight on depression.
i finally took a step toward making a change. yesterday i joined curves for women and today will be my first workout. i'm trying to psyche myself up for this but after the measurements, total weight gain and goals were established i felt like dying. my current weight is 209.6 - this is the most i have EVER weighed. i am crushed, devastated. i don't want my husband to look at me much less me look at myself. i told the exercise tech that i have a problem with commitment (unless of course it's something i want to do). i think i have become her mission, her 'project' oh how i hate the way that sounds...i have become a project for someone who is much younger, energetic, spunky and thinner than me.
deep down inside i know i've got to do this for me.....this is going to be difficult.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Meet My Friend...She Is New To The Blogging World
Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome with open arms my confidant, my freind, my hero! she is new to the blogging industry and would love to join the circle.....Dlynne
Thursday, July 14, 2005
first thing this morning...i walked in the office and our lab director made a beeline toward me to warn me to get both buckets out - the boss was waiting with both barrels loaded and cocked. damn it! i hate it when that happens, you know still holding crap in your arms, haven't unlocked your office door or had a cup of coffee....at least let me get in the door before bombing me!
apparently before i got to work the boss made an ass of himself in front of the residents (docs training to become orthopaedic surgeons), because the arthroscopy course was not on his schedule. he made sure every one there knew it was my fault. now i shouldn't let this get me down - all the residents know how he is but, because i'm the conference coordinator, this naturally becomes my fault...guilty, no questions asked, this is unacceptable...the funny thing is, i've never had to put the course on his schedule before. he and i discuss the dates and he gets a monthly calendar with all conferences scheduled.
so here i sit feeling like shit and have all day and seem to can't get out of this funk. i should just let it roll off my back after all office life must go on...but right now i seem to can't get up off the floor...still wounded from all the bombings...
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Apple Martini - in a Whole New Light
next time you order an appletini....ask for it frozen...delicious! my first experience with this delectable drink was in
at the hard rock cafe, i ordered a frozen appletini...you guessed it, i got the same look i gave my friend....just tell them to make the appletini like the apple martini only frozen. joseph the bartender, told me he was quality control and had to "sample" all drinks going out...sure enough he was impressed...before his shift changed he told everybody how to make the appletini-thanks joe! a drunk appreciates good service....
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
A Favor From My Blogging Homies
as some of you know, i have told you about my shadow...heather. well heather has joined the blogging world....and the name she picked is most fitting Marti's Shadow
i would be most appreciative and am asking if you would give her a visit. say hello, tell her what a wonderful person i am...hee-hee.
Monday, July 11, 2005
The Chicken and Horse
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to
go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to
town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's
new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a
length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get ahold of the
loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the
rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward
and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship
between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would
then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral.)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Home Sweet Home
i called mom up the other day and ask her to move closer or at least halfway....we could meet for coffee and talk-she said ok. oh how i miss her and dad.
i went to mom and dads for a weekend visit and it was wonderful. i really should visit more often. when ever they call and ask when are you coming up i am reminded of ugly kid joe - cats in the cradle....."soon, i'll be up soon"...i always say.
i realized just how much i love talking one-on-one with them. dad and i talked about cooking (we both enjoy watching the food network), he enjoys talking about his pit bulls and i really enjoy listening to him tell his stories. i feel like the little girl curled up in her daddies lap listening with great intent, living on each word, forgetting to breath...while we go on another adventure.
mom and i talk about flowers, decorating the house, heather and holly. we both love to talk about my girls wedding - mom makes the most beautiful wedding cakes and i want her to make both my girls. mom and i really don't have to talk about anything in particular, we enjoy sitting in each others company. i feel so protected when i'm with her. everything is so peaceful. thank you mom for being the kind, gentle, loving person you are. i've always wanted to be your shadow and when i grow up, i want to be just like you.
mom gave me all my pics, from birth to high school - what a flood of memories. i laughed...i really don't want them to get out! she also gave me my first pocketbook - she made it out of denim and little appliques out of material she had made outfits for us and embroidered my name on it...i will treasure this forever....
i wish that we didn't have to grow up and leave the security of home....my only hope is that i can give my girls the same sense of security and love that i received as a child in our home.
Friday, July 08, 2005
NOise, NOise, NOise...
OMG! i can't stand this depression....i usually get this way a week before i start. i hate it-absolutely hate it! i hate myself, my husband, the kids, the dog...water running to0 loud in the fish tank - music, laughing...i could go on & on & on.....
all i hear is NOise and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. SCREAMMM - i just want it to go away
Thursday, July 07, 2005
I'm A Drunk Not An Alcoholic....Alcoholics Go To Meetings....Just Kidding Ma...I'm Really A Compulsive Liar
Have you ever had a night where you just want to go out and relax with some friends? You don't want to rip it up like a rock star, but take the mellow approach. This is certainly not going to stop you from drinking mind you; but instead make the bartenders arm shift from his side where the well alcohol is, to the top shelf where the big ol' bottle of vodka known as Grey Goose resides. You impress the fellow co-workers when you order your "Grey Goose Martini; dry; up; with a twist". There is a reason that this premium vodka is the most requested in the United States. It simply rocks. Vodka is one of those great inventions that can be used with any type of drink. You can drink it in milk or fruit drinks, straight up, or with rocks. If you are going to mix vodka with anything else, do yourself a favor and order the other stuff. It is a shame to have this vodka diluted with any type of mix unless you are the type who takes a great piece of Prime Rib and throws barbecue sauce on it; mix away my friend.Grey Goose gets its ultra crisp taste from it distillation process. This French libation combines pure water and its grains in a copper pot. It is then filtered through a five step process using limestone from the legendary Gente Springs, in Cognac France. All these extra steps give it a crisp clean taste that will make you appreciate the French using the best ingredients, and the best processes available. You can easily see why Grey Goose was voted number 1 tasting vodka from the Beverage Tasting Institute. The smell is much like a milder version of rubbing alcohol. Lets take a sip....mmm....very mellow flavor to begin with, then you get that vodka taste as you swallow. It tickles your tongue as it goes down, and leaves no traces of itself. Can life get any better??
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Just the Three of Us
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
My Fourth of July
heather and sandra came over yesterday and spent most of the day with us. we enjoyed having them there.... i miss her so much. for those of you who don't know, heather is my oldest daughter and has moved in with her boyfriend and sandra his 4 yr old daughter. heather doesn't come to visit much but when she does i drink in as much of her as i can...in order to understand that statement, you'll have to read my humpty dumpty post. we had a great time watching fireworks at the park.
did anyone catch the televised fireworks from boston? i watched 30 mins of it and they were amazing!
Monday, July 04, 2005
A Weekend at the Opryland Hotel
for those of you who have never been or stayed here, i suggest you give it a try...we have stayed in the hotel several times and never get tired of it. its the most relaxing, energetic, beautiful place...there are so many things to do inside this city. excellent food, sipping gourmet coffee, eating gelato (italian ice cream), great live entertainment, lots of shopping, relaxing at the spa, the indoor/outdoor pools...ah......it was great.
over the next few months the hotel is celebrating summerfest-throughout the hotel, acrobats, live bands...sculptures-made of sand, clay, and other earth products.i managed to take two pics of the sand castle and managed to delete the mermaid.